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Jobu finally breaks his silence on the departure of Robinson Cano to the Seattle Mariners

When we came into this offseason, I was worried. I wasn’t worried so much about whether or not the Yankees would lose Robinson Cano, but rather about what it might take to keep him on the team. In the end, the Mariners were willing to do the stupid thing I was hoping the Yankees wouldn’t do, by going to both 10 years and 200+ million. Cano was unwilling to look past the dump truck full of money in his driveway, and he left us. I don’t blame him, really. Either way, he went to Seattle and grew that nonsensical beard you see in the photo above… Good riddance.

We should have seen this coming.
We should have seen this coming.

Let me explain to you the issue I have with this beard. Cano didn’t just wake up the day after he signed with Seattle and grow the old “Beard Without a Mustache” beard. I’ve often seen Cano in off-season pictures and videos sporting similar idiotic facial hair. That preposterous beard has been growing in his heart, probably his entire adult life. In fact, it was probably inconvenient for him to shave every March to join the Yankees. Do we really need that kind of bearded heart liberalism on the Yankees? No! You don’t see Derek Jeter growing a beard in the offseason, do you? Now that’s a real Yankee!

Beards are meant to cover the entire jaw line, including the area above the upper lip. Maybe someone told him that only child molesters wear mustaches, so he went opposite and got everything but the mustache? I guess I should have seen this coming. Cano has always been great friends with David Ortiz, another proprietor of silly facial hair. Maybe Cano should have just signed with the Red Sox. At least there, he’d have a chance to bring some champagne to his hairy face sometime in the next 10 years.

I always think it might help the Yankees land more talent if they lifted their facial hair ban. I think that maybe they’re crushing players’ spirit and individuality and, in turn, stunting the team’s potential. Then I see what individuality and spirit lead to with some players, and I’m glad every Yankees contract comes with a set of clippers and a razor blade. I know the Sox won the World Series with the hairiest bunch of mugs on the planet, but I say no thank you. Paul O’Neill didn’t have a beard, and he was a god damn warrior.

We’ll miss your bat, Robinson; but I hope your ridiculous beard consumes you.

Featured image courtesy of:

Martin Stezano

About Martin Stezano

Uruguayan born and American raised with a unique perspective on the domestic and international sports scenes. It will both tickle your funny bone and enlighten your mind. Love it or hate it...just read it.

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