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Jobu has found a couple of sacrificial lambs for Bud Selig’s bloodlust.

For those of you who haven’t been following the whole Biogenesis thing, it turns out that Miami scumbag steroids dealer Anthony Bosch was lying when he said he didn’t provide anyone with illegal performance enhancing drugs. I know. I’m shocked too. Apparently his new way to avoid being sued by MLB is to drop dime on all of the clients he previously denied having. I find a lot wrong with this scenario, so I have a compromise. Why don’t we just suspend Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun? We all know they deserve it for being douche bags anyway, right?

First of all, let’s examine why this mass suspension that may or may not be coming is just a little bit immoral. Let’s start with MLB’s star witness, the guy that is being accused of selling illegal performance enhancing drugs to many athletes across multiple sports. What’s more credible than a criminal trying to save his own ass, right? Clearly he’ll be telling the truth, the whole truth and whatever keeps him from being sued for millions of dollars by Old Man Selig and his crew. Like the losers in the Mitchell Report, Bosch is literally going to give up whoever he can to get himself off. That’s not to say that he’s necessarily going to lie about people, but it kind of ruins his credibility, no?

Would this guy lie to get himself off?(ESPN)
Would this guy lie to get himself off? (ESPN)

How about the fact that he already lied about his activities once? That’s why MLB is suing him (or was suing him) after all, no? Because he denied the charges and refused to cooperate… right? If that doesn’t discredit him, how about the news that broke today that he tried to extort money from A-Rod to help him pay for his impending lawsuit situation with MLB? Does that ruin his credibility yet? Should this guy really be anyone’s only real witness? Sure, MLB has logs from Biogenesis, but if Bosch isn’t credible, neither is their case. He wrote those logs, after all.

I also don’t know quite how I feel about suspending guys that have never tested positive for illegal performance enhancing drugs. Melky Cabrera failed a test, but he was suspended for 50 games for it already. The same goes for Bartolo Colón. They were discovered and they served their punishments. No one else on this list has ever tested positive for anything. Well, actually Ryan Braun has, but he’s a terrible person and used a total technicality to get the suspension thrown out. But other than that, everyone’s technically clean. Not even A-Rod has failed a test. Of course, A-Rod probably has enough money to buy the most undetectable of performance enhancers made from Unicorn horns and what not, so that’s no surprise.

I mean seriously. He should be suspended just for this outfit. (JustJarred Photography)
I mean seriously. He should be suspended just for this outfit. (JustJarred Photography)

The other questionable thing is that Selig is looking to dole out 100 game suspensions to the players named by Bosch. In case you’re unaware of the MLB policy on PEDs, you get 50 games for your first positive test, 100 for the second, and a lifetime ban for the third. MLB is seemingly trying to hand out one suspension for purchasing the drugs and another for lying about it when questioned by Selig’s henchmen. That only goes for those players that were actually interviewed, of course. The rest would get just the 50 games. My question is this… If Bartolo Colón and Melky have already been suspended, and they were interviewed and lied this time around (I’m not sure that they were), are they subsequently banned for life from Major League Baseball? That wouldn’t be so bad for Colón, who is already 40, but that would seem slightly unfair to Melky, who only failed one test and served his punishment. It’s really not even fair to the guys who get the 100 gamers either. When you’re taking the kind of risk Selig is with this endeavor, I guess go big or go home?

I understand the desire to clean up baseball. I really do. I’d love to watch one game without checking out the size of a guy’s head to see if he could be on the juice. I’d love to not live in fear of Robinson Canó or, God forbid, Derek Jeter testing positive for something illicit. I’m just not sure that using the word of a criminal to condemn others is the way to go about it. We’ve all seen or read The Crucible, where those little girls got drunk and goofed around and then blamed it on witchcraft when they got caught. Half the town got hanged. Seriously. No one was even like… maybe they just got drunk and are now trying to blame others to escape punishment for themselves. Well, people did, but then they ended up hanged for witchcraft. They even hanged Daniel Day Lewis. Inexcusable! The man is a thespian!

Isn't he the worst? Look at him! (AP PHOTO/JAE C. HONG)
Isn’t he the worst? Look at him! (AP PHOTO/JAE C. HONG)

Ahem…. Anywho, the point is that the league shouldn’t be able to hand out suspensions to all of these guys based on Bosch’s jailhouse confessions. That’s why I think the A-Rod and Braun compromise is good for everyone. As we mentioned earlier, Braun should already have served a 50-gamer. He didn’t because some guy took his sample and put it in a fridge at home, and not in a fridge at the lab. The bottle was perfectly sealed and everything. Braun got off, and got to spend the next year or so Palmeiro Pointing™ and admonishing haters all over the country. A-Rod, on the other hand, has turned into Lex Luthor. Seriously. He even tried to buy up the Biogenesis documents to destroy them! He’s obviously guilty. Even his statement today didn’t deny anything. He just said people should let due process take place in it’s own time. That was his big statement!

Just give Selig Braun and A-Rod. Selig finally gets Braun in cuffs (he would have last time, if it wasn’t for those darn meddling lab technicians), A-Rod gets to go away for 100 more games (hopefully forever) and baseball can claim to be doing the right thing to be cleaning up the sport. You know, the sport they let get dirty back after the 1994 strike so that home runs would increase and bring fans back to the parks. Remember? Ah? Anyway, only time will tell what happens. Any actions taken by Bud Selig will be fought to the death by the Players Union, so don’t expect this to be resolved any time soon.

Martin Stezano

About Martin Stezano

Uruguayan born and American raised with a unique perspective on the domestic and international sports scenes. It will both tickle your funny bone and enlighten your mind. Love it or hate it...just read it.