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Jobu reviews the New York Giants awful loss against the Atlanta Falcons in week 15. Plus NBA Jam!

Really Giants? Is that what’s going on in the streets? Chopping onions? Doing your taxes? Jobu is shutting down the studio until one of you goes down to Patterson, NJ and brings me the left big toenail from a man wearing cowskin boots. OK, so that opening statement is ridiculous (especially for those of you who weren’t Chappelle Show fans), but it’s not nearly as ridiculous as the Giants combined offensive and defensive effort in their week 15 shut out loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Now the playoffs are in danger, and we have to hope for a big win against the Ravens. Thanks Giants!

I’m going to be honest with you folks in this column (as I always am) and tell you that I didn’t watch this whole game. I had some friends over the house to help me christen my new man cave with some wings and football. They are both also big Giants fans, so we were excited to see the rematch from last year’s first round playoff game, not to mention all the playoff implications that were in the air. Before the first half even ended, we were playing NBA Jam on the PS3, realizing this was not going to be a Giants win.

As if we were on parallel universes, my NBA Jam game seemed to really hit its stride as the Giants sank deeper and deeper into the loss. I housed my two buddies over and over, seemingly invincible as I nailed three pointers with Joe Johnson and let my computer controlled teammate, Josh Smith helicopter jam all over their asses. I must have won close to ten games in a row before Dr. Draft himself finally vanquished me and got me off the game. I tried and tried to regain my touch after that but, much like the Giants, once I was out of it… it was over.

This was the most exciting thing to happen on Sunday. (NBA Jam)
This was the most exciting thing to happen on Sunday. (NBA Jam)

Let’s see, what else can I talk about other than the terrible Giants? How about the wing place we ordered from? Archie Moore’s, which has several locations in Connecticut, really did a great job with them, and I recommend them for any and all football parties you’re having in the CT area.

OK I suppose i should talk a tiny bit about the game. The Giants truly were awful. I mean I know the Falcons were 10-2 coming into this game, but did anyone think the Giants weren’t going to have their typical end of the year muscle flex game and pound them into submission like they did the Packers and Saints? I certainly didn’t expect them to get shut out 34-0 (especially since I had Lawrence Tynes on my fantasy team).

Michael Turner (16 carries, 52 yards) got the scoring started for Atlanta with a 1-yard TD run (literally all he’s good for at this point), and they expanded their lead to 14-0 on a Matt Ryan pass to Tony Gonzalez (6 catches, 49 yards, 1 TD) ten minutes later and added a second quarter FG to send themselves to the locker room with a 17-0 lead. If you thought the Giants were just getting off to a slow start and would come back in the second half (I know my friends and I did), you were wrong. Ryan Sandwiched two TD passes to Julio Jones (6 catches, 74 yards, 2 TDs) around another Matt Bryant FG, and the game ended 34-0.

There is literally nothing positive to report from the Giants side of this game. David Wilson (12 carries, 55 yards) seemed to be getting off to a good start, but the Giants got down early and Tom Coughlin decided to give the ball to Kregg Lumpkin (9 carries, 42 yards, 1 FB) for some reason. Uh… Domenik Hixon (5 catches, 80 yards) had a solid game? I think that’s it. Eli Manning (13-25, 161 yards, 2 INTS) was awful, and Tynes missed a 30 yard FG at one point. Oh also, Tom Coughlin also had a dreadful game, twice choosing to go for 4th and short situations while well within field goal range early in the game. I know six points wouldn’t have made a difference in the final score, but at the time they left key points off the table. Brutal game all around.

Most Valuable Giants

Are you serious, Bro?

Boxscore – 12/16/2012

Featured image courtesy of: AP Photo/John Amis

Martin Stezano

About Martin Stezano

Uruguayan born and American raised with a unique perspective on the domestic and international sports scenes. It will both tickle your funny bone and enlighten your mind. Love it or hate it...just read it.