As we all know, Plaxico Burress was released from prison at midnight on Monday, June 6th, after serving 22 months in prison, in connection with the shooting of… himself. For those of you with short memories… In 2009, shortly after the end of the NFL season, Plaxico took an unregistered (and therefore illegal) handgun into a club. At some point, the gun fell into his pants, discharged, grazing Burress’ left leg with a bullet. It’s probably the dumbest reason any celebrity has ever gone to prison for. Anyway, his release has inspired me to create the All-Felon Team. This is my collection of the best NFL players to also be great at breaking the law.
QB – Michael Vick (Falcons, Eagles) – No Brainer here… After a career filled with a few minor criminal troubles, Vick finally grabbed the brass ring in 2007, when he was arrested in connection to a dog fighting ring, which he allegedly ran and financed. He was convicted and served 23 months in prison. He then came back and led my fantasy football team to the playoffs. Honorable mention goes to Ben Roethlisberger on this one, because he’s a scum bag.
RB – Lawrence Phillips (Rams, Dolphins, 49ers) – After a standout career at Nebraska, his attitude problems and lack of production left him labeled an NFL bust. He could be given an MVP award in felony though. He was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon when he tried to run over a group of teens with his car (after a pickup football game led to an argument). A ten year sentence wasn’t enough for Lawrence, who then had 31 years added to his sentence for a previous domestic assault on his then girlfriend. Amazing accomplishments.
RB – Maurice Clarett (Broncos) – Clarrett starred during his freshman year at Ohio State in 2004, leading the Buckeyes to the national championship. After that his life and career fell apart. In 2006 (already out of the NFL), Clarett, while out on bail for a robbery arrest earlier in the year, was pulled over by police and found to be in possession of a loaded AK-47 and two loaded handguns. He served three and a half years in prison. All that cuz he didn’t want to finish college like a normal person.
WR – Plaxico Burress (Steelers, Giants) – Served 22 months for illegal firearm possession. See above for details, but he’s an idiot.
WR – Chris Henry (Bengals) – I know he’s dead, but the guy was a bit of a clown. From 2005-2008, Henry was arrested six times for a plethora of things, including DUI, Assault, traffic violations, marijuana possession and even giving alcohol to teenage girls in a hotel room! It’s almost sad that his passing kept him from adding to his criminal resume… R.I.P, CH.
WR – Rae Carruth (Panthers) – In 1999, Rae Rae, as comedian Steve Harvey called him in The Original Kings of Comedy, was convicted for his role in the murder of his girlfriend, who had been 8 months pregnant with his son. Thankfully, he’s rotting in jail, but we’ll put him on the squad.
TE – Fred Davis (Redskins) – Nothing big here, but Fred was arrested three different times in 2010 for incidents involving his driving… just hire a driver, good sir.
OL – Barrett Robbins (Raiders) – This was really the only Offensive Lineman that fit the requirements. Robbins, who has a history of psychological problems, was shot three times by police in 2005 and charged with attempted murder. Although he received probation for that, he was eventually sent to prison for five years for a parole violation due to possession of crack/cocaine. If I were manic depressive and got shot by police, I might do crack too.
DE – Jeremiah Parker (Giants) – Parker is the only defensive lineman to make our squad. Manslaughter got him on our list. Parker was sentenced to ten years in prison for his involvement in the death of his girlfriend’s four year old son. Prolonged abuse by Parker and his girlfriend led to the death of the boy. Terrible. Also, he wasn’t even that good at football.
LB – Ray Lewis (Ravens) – Lewis gets the nod here, because of his involvement in a 2000 stabbing at an Atlanta night club while out celebrating the Ravens’ Super Bowl Victory. Originally charged with murder, Ray was able to get his charges dismissed by ratting on the two friends that were indicted with him. The mysterious blood-stained white suit he was allegedly wearing that night has never been found. Now that’s how you celebrate a Super Bowl Championship! Screw Disney Land. Mike Vrabel (Chiefs) gets honorable mention because of his 2011 arrest for stealing beers from an Indiana casino deli. Big guys get thirsty too!
CB – Adam “Pacman” Jones (Titans, Cowboys, Bengals) – What can i say about Pacman Jones that can’t be found in the public records? During the NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas in 2007, Jones beat up a Stripper for picking up the dollar bills he was “making it rain” with. When he was kicked out of the club, a member of his entourage opened fire on the front door, paralyzing a doorman. Jones was arrested, released and eventually sued in civil court for his role in the fracas. in 2008, while on suspension for the Vegas incident, he was accused of hitting another woman at a strip club in Atlanta. We all like boobs, Adam, but please stay out of the strip club, as you clearly cannot handle yourself like a respectable gentleman.
What Have We Learned?
So there you have the NFL All-Felon team. We have learned today that NFL players are terrible people (Especially offensive players!) What’s with all this murdering, killing dogs, shooting people, shooting yourself, etc? Why not stick to DUI like baseball players? You don’t even get jail time for that nowadays!
image courtesy of: http://sports.gunaxin.com
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