Hello Members of Ahoo Hoo 3D, the best damn fantasy baseball league in America! As many of you know, we recently had our fantasy baseball draft. Many of us came away from that experience feeling the pride of a job well done. Others will pull out their hair and cry until opening day, because they know they are bound for defeat. Hopefully, those people paid me before their shitty team got drafted.
Anyway, onto the main event! I wanted to do an awards post for our league members, celebrating (or mocking) the managers and their teams. Obviously, I am a big fan of the movie Major League. If you couldn’t tell this, you are a fool and should probably move to an assisted living community, where they have nice people to take care of you. For your entertainment, I have created… The Draft Awards: Major League Edition!! How will this work? I’ll be using quotes from this epic sports film to hand out awards to the members of the league.
The Hats for Bats Award – “Hats for bats, keep bats warm…” – Pedro Cerrano
This award goes to the team whose bats will be warm all season, the best offensive team in our league. This was a close call, but I am giving the award to… myself. This was a really tough decision because there is a lot of parity in our league. Top to bottom, Vagina Dentata has a pretty stacked lineup. Everyone is capable of hitting for power and average, and they even have a little speed sprinkled in that might win stolen bases from time to time. Their strongest hitter is reigning NL MVP Joey Votto, while the weakest link is Alex Gonzalez, who hit 23 home runs and drove in 88 RBI in 2010. This team is relying on breakout seasons from Colby Rasmus and Pedro Alvarez, but both have the talent and experience to make that happen this year.
The Strike This Motherfucker Out Award – “Let’s cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you. Strike this motherfucker out!” – Roger Dorn
This is the award for best pitching. If I didn’t give this award to Jeff’s team, First Hit First RBI, he’d probably yell at me because he spent the entire draft telling us about how good his pitching was going to be. Truth be told, he has a great staff. It’s a little top heavy, but any time you can put together Roy Halladay, Felix Hernandez, Josh Johnson and Zach Greinke on a team together, you can’t be ignored. Good job, Jeff!
The Willie Mays Hayes Award – “You may run like Hayes, but you hit like shit.” – Lou Brown
I was originally going to call this the “One Goddamn Hit” award and give it to the worst offense in the league, but i felt like the Lou Brown quote describes this team a lot more accurately. First Hit First RBI is full of noodle-batted speedsters that will win him stolen bases, but make him susceptible to losing every other offensive category. Chone Figgins, Brett Gardner, Juan Pierre (The original frenchman) and Elvis Andrus might combine for a few hundred stolen bases this season, but Jeff won’t come close to that level of production in any other offensive category. Good thing for him his pitching should be good enough to carry him.
The He’ll Blow It Award –
Charlie Donovan: “Vaughn’s been looking good out there today.”
Rachel Phelps: “Don’t worry, he’ll blow it.”
This award goes to the team with the worst pitching staff. Ultimately, they will blow the league for this team. Sorry, Tony. Your team, Jeffster wins the award. It was tough to choose between you and Nuke the Wilpons, but his couple of starters and boat load of relievers are better than yours. To be fair, Tony’s team was autodrafted because he is on some kind of “business trip.” However, ultimately, the responsibility rests upon his shoulders. Clayton Kershaw and Gio Gonzalez are good. Unfortunately your only other starter is Jordan Zimmermann. Your gaggle of relievers will be solid, but injuries questions are all around them. I know Tony will add/drop and fix this situation, but for now his staff sucks.
The Call the Stewardess Award –
Willie Mays Hayes: “Call the stewardess Vaughn, I need one of those bags.”
Rick Vaughn: “There aren’t any stwardesses.”
Willie Mays Hayes: “I wonder if there are any pilots?”
This special award goes to Mike, who let the computer draft his team this season. The roster compiled for his team, Nuke the Wilpons, is mostly laughable. In rounds 5-7 he took Jimmy Rollins, Derek Jeter and Carlos Marmol. The rest of his team is full of relievers and aging hitters like Aramis Ramirez and Carlos Beltran. At least he has Tim Lincecum… who will probably get hurt.
The I’ve Been Cut Already Award – “Shit! I’ve been cut already?” – Willie Mays Hayes
This award goes to the team that I predict will make the most add/drops this season. We all know Nuke the Wilpons should get this award. We laugh every year at Mike’s add/dropping prowess, and his computer-drafted squad already needs a lot of help. I’m going to pick the dark horse sleeper for this award this year though. I predict Brian’s team, Harry Doyle Fan Club, will take this award home this season. From what we’ve already seen (3 add/drops before the start of the season), Brian is already on pace to win this award. God speed!
The Old Body Award – “Oh, this old body could use a soak.” – Lou Brown
This award goes to the team with the most old or injury prone players on it. These guys will hit the disabled list at some point or another this season. For Brian’s team, the Harry Doyle Fan Club, he better hope they don’t stay there long. Alfonso Soriano, Vladimir Guerrero, “Fat Papi” Ortiz, Brian Roberts, Victor Martinez and maybe Chris Carpenter (who is already battling a hamstring issue) will get hurt in 2011.
The Who Are These Fucking Guys Award – “Who are these fucking guys?” – Construction Worker
This award goes to Marc because he has a couple of players that the casual fan may not have ever heard of. While they’re not quite Mitchel Friedman, Daniel Hudson and Tsuyoshi Nishioka are relative unknowns and highly unproven commodities. Nishioka has been a solid player in the Japanese League, and Hudson looked ready for the Majors after his call up last season, but you really don’t know what you’re going to get from these guys. Of course, you could say that about just about anyone else in Major League Baseball.
Welp, that’ll do it for the Ahoo Hoo 3D Draft Awards: Major League Edition! We had a lot of fun here today, and I hope you all take my words with a pinch of salt. Many of you will only have that pinch of salt to console you when you lose miserably this season! Personally, I can’t wait to see you all in the playoffs, except for Mike, Brian, Tony and Kevin. You’re gonna have to settle for finishing last and moving your teams to Miami.
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