I’d like to think all of my audience has seen the Vacation movies. If you haven’t, and I cannot stress this enough, please pick up the box set. Even the crappy Vegas Vacation one (which is the only movie not part of the National Lampoon library), is funny enough (eh Mr. Papagiorgio?). The movies popped into my head today as I was trying to blog about the Yankees for the first time since before the World Cup began. Why? Because I think Brian Cashman might be slowly becoming Clark Griswold, and the Yankees season might be turning into the family’s ill-fated trip to Wally World. Here’s how, with accompanying quotes for maximum nostalgia humor!
The Yankees’ Off-season Free Agency Splurge
Rusty: Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark: Settle down, Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh… this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed, the car salesman: You didn’t order the Metallic Pea?
Clark: Metallic Pea?
Brian McCann was supposed to be our new Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. Radio. He was perhaps the Yankees biggest acquisition, filling a hole in their lineup and defense that had been open pretty much since Jorge Posada retired. Instead, so far it looks like we ended up with the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, as McCann has hit in the low .200s for most of the season. You can’t have the Truckster without the metallic pea paint job, and that’s what Beltran’s .220 with 10 homers has been. Cashman thought he was getting the highest priced, best performing free agents around… only one of those was right.
Rusty: That was a crummy Wyatt Earp, dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to, Rusty.
Alfonso Soriano as Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna: Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
Catherine: Uh, no; I was just about to.
Ellen: Good news? What good news, Catherine?
Aunt Edna: You’re driving me to Phoenix!!
I hate to clown on Soriano too badly. After all, he almost single handedly got us back in the pennant race last season after coming over from the Cubs. That being said, this year we got stuck with him around our necks like an albatross, which is what Aunt Edna was to the Griswolds. She was cantakerous and mean and, like Soriano’s batting average, nobody wanted her around. Luckily for the Griswolds, Aunt Edna dies halfway through the season. Sure it was akward strapping her to the roof and dropping her off at her son Normie’s house, but eventually she ended up where she belonged–as someone else’s problem. Unfortunately for Soriano, I think he might just end up being his own problem.
Ellen’s sister Catherine as Dellin Betances
Ellen: Gee Cath, looks like you really got your hands full.
Catherine: Oh, it’s not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, i can quit one of my night jobs.
Poor Catherine. There she is pregnant in the desert, still working god knows how many jobs. If only Eddie would let her stop? If you’re not seeing the connection to Delling Betances, take a look at his innings pitched for the year. the 26 year old behemoth has already pitched 43 games and 59.1 innings on the young season. Joe Girardi seems to find any excuse to use him, in both single and multiple inning situations. Like Catherine, Dellin has performed wonderfully and has been extremely dependent, but at some point, he’s going to break down, no? He’s gonna have to stop pitching so much, or his arm’s gonna fall off. Here’s hoping Girardi let’s him quit one of his night jobs.
Christie Brinkley as Cashman’s Trade Prospects
Brinkley: Well, Are you gonna go for it?
Brinkley: For starters, sure. Why not? Don’t you swim?
Clark: Oh sure! Sure! I took third in the uh, state finals in my senior year and uh.. Ah yeah. I swim, heck. Yeah! I feel completely at ease in the water. Yeah. I.. I.. I’m proficient at many strokes, and I dive. As a matter of fact, I could have been in the olympics. Yeah.. Yeah… Yeah. I’ll be right there! This is crazy… this is crazy… this is crazy… How’s the water?
Clark: I’m in deep… I’m in deep…. [jumps in] COOOOOOOOOOLD! JESUS, FUCK! COOOOOOOLD!
We all remember hot Christie Brinkley in this movie, right? There was Clark, minding his own business in his Wagon Queen Family Truckster, when all of a sudden “Little Boy Sweet” started playing and the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen drove by in a ridiculous red Ferrari. To Clark’s surprise, she flirted with him on the road before driving off. Later, while eating lunch at a truck stop, Clark sees here again, dancing around sensually for him while someone cleaned her windshield. Eventually, Clark runs into her at a hotel bar, where he ends up naked with her in the hotel pool before being Starled by the frigid water and caught by his family.
I feel like this is what happens to Cashman whenever he spots a tasty trade target on the market. Why look, there’s Troy Tulowitzki over in Colorado. He makes way too much money for them to hang onto him. He’s also the best shortstop in baseball and in his prime. Surely no trouble would come if the Yankees talke to him, right? What’s this? He says he’d love to play for the Yankees some day, and they need a replacement for rickety old Derek Jeter. Let’s trade for him! Then, when Cash goes to jump in the pool with Tulo, he gets caught by the rest of the front office, and realizes he’s got no trade chips to deal and is stuck forever with his ragtag group of misfits. sigh. The water was just too cold.
Brian Cashman as Clark Griswold
Clark: I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fucking fun park and all you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun… We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun, we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
Seriously. He has to be going crazy right now right? All he wants to do is win a championship, but his season is completely falling apart. When many fans and members of the media are calling for the Yankees to cut their losses and sell at the deadline, Cashman refuses to admit the season is doomed. Injuries to 4/5 of his starting rotation, and utter disappointment from two of his three big ticket free agents might be driving him over the edge. Rather than sell, he’s been buying off the scrap heap, turning some less than effective players like Yangervis Solarte and Vidal Nuño into some decent veterans–namely Chase Headley and Brandon McCarthy. You think he’s gonna let the Yankees quit? No. He’s on a pilgrimage to see a trophy. Praise the World Series Trophy! Holy shit!
OK I know I’m being overly harsh on Cashman and the Yankees, and it’s quite remarkable that they’ve made it as far as they have while still being within reach of Wally World… ahem… the World Series. It’s really not all bad. As I mentioned, Cash has made a few seemingly minor moves that could end up having a big impact on this team, and he’s constantly on the lookout for more talent to trade for. I mean someone actually gave us a human being for Vidal Nuño! This leads to a little bit of hope. If Cash can make a little more magic, and the bats wake up a little bit, the Yankees could still do some damage in this terrible division. I’ll sum this all up with one last quote from Clark and Ellen.
Clark: Aah, what d’ya say honey? ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun, isn’t it?
Ellen: No, But with every new day there’s fresh hope.
Featured image courtesy of: Getty Images
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