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Jobu reviews yet another terrible loss for the New York Giants by comparing it to My Cousin Vinny. Due to language, reader discretion is advised.

Ok. I’ve put this off as long as I can without challenging my journalistic integrity. Also, White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson got nominated for the Ford C. Frick award for the best broadcaster in baseball award, so I’m finally motivated. How did a baseball announcer motivate me? Well, Hawk is probably the biggest homer in the world. It’s to the point where I couldn’t watch any White Sox highlights on the MLB at Bat app because I hate him. If I don’t write a post reviewing this, a fourth consecutive terrible loss for the Giants, then I too will be a homer like that terrible, terrible Hawk Harrelson. Anyway, onto the review. To get myself through the pain of writing this review, I decided to to make it fun for everyone by comparing this game to one of my favorite movies, My Cousin Vinny. Laugh to keep from crying, everyone…

Everything That Guy Just Said…

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You know when prosecutor Jim Trotter, III, gives his whole opening statement and Vinny is sleeping through the whole thing? Vinny then wakes up and kicks off his defense with “Everything that guy just said is bullshit.”  That’s how I felt in the first half of the Giants’ matchup against the Chiefs. All week long, the Giants talked about how confident they were, and how they all felt good and wanted to win. Eli felt confident that the offense would get it going. Everything they said was bullshit. For the second straight week, they got almost nothing done on the field. I rest my case.

The offensive line, missing two key players in David Baas and Chris Snee, provided about as much defense as stuttering attourney John Gibbons did for Stan Rothstein in the movie. Seriously. I think at one point, after returning to the sidelines after a particularly brutal three-and-out, they turned to Coach Coughlin and said “(sigh)… He’s a tough one!” Eli was hustled and hurried all day long (again), and was held to 18-37 for 217 yards and 1 TD. Hey, at least he only threw one pick on the day. That’s a major improvement. The one TD was an impressive 68-yard bomb to Victor Cruz, who continues to be the only guy playing well for the Giants a month into the season, and finished with 10 catches for 164 yards and that TD. Hakeem Nicks was a no-show again, only bringing in 3 balls for 33 yards and dropping two huge passes. Pathetic.

The running game was of no help either. There’s a scene in the movie where Mona Lisa Vito, Vinny’s fianceé played wonderfully by Marissa Tomei, complains that Vinny won’t let her help. This leads to a very heated argument in the coffee shop/diner that ends with Vinny yelling the following:

“Ah, here’s a good one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? Where’d you shoot this, from up in a tree? What’s this over here? It’s dog shit. Dog shit! That’s great! Dog shit, what a clue! Why didn’t I think of that? Here’s one of me reading. Terrific. I should’ve asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, you got it, honey! You did it! The case cracker! Me in the shower! Ha ha! I love this! That’s it!”

This is how I feel about the Giants’ running game. I feel like, as fans, we were begging for them to do something to fix the running game. Two weeks ago, they signed Brandon Jacobs. Can you tell what part of the quote I think he is? No, it’s not the dog shit (that title’s being fought for by Da’Rel Scott and David Wilson). No, Jacobs is definitely the picture of Vinny in the shower. Seriously? That’s how the Giants front office decided to fix the gaping hole at RB? They clearly cracked the case wide open with that signing. I mean, I guess you can’t do much if you don’t touch the ball though. Jacobs only ran the ball once. He got 5 yards though, which is pretty good. Maybe they should try more of that? Although then Jacobs would probably just be the dog shit. Seriously, where’d they sign him from, up in a tree?

Thirty Fucking Minutes

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Stay with me on this one, and pardon the language, but this is the quote I’ve chosen to represent how I think Perry Fewell is running the defense from week to week:

“I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fucking courthouse!” – Vinny

I mean seriously. Could the Giants defense look any less prepared? Did Fewell just sleep all week, wake up a half hour before the game and run to the stadium? Did these guys even prepare for anybody all year long? The Giants have now allowed 146 points in four games. That’s 36.5 per game! 36.5! They can’t stop the run, they can’t stop the pass and they can’t even keep teams from taking punt returns to the house on them. Not even the special teams is clicking. Is Perry teaching them anything? If he is, he clearly has lost control of the classroom. I bet when he goes over the defensive plan (you know, after he finds the crumpled up napkin he wrote it on in the car on the way to the field), Justin Tuck, Mark Herzlich and Terrell Thomas just throw paper airplanes at each other behind his back, or find funny things to sneak into his coffee. Either he’s a terrible coach, or his players aren’t listening or executing his plans. Either way, something has to be done about this. If Alex Smith is throwing 3 TDs on your head, there’s a problem. I’m not sure what is, but I do know one thing… Like Lisa says during Vinny’s cross-examination of Trotter’s expert tire specialist… “The Defense is wrong!”

Smooth Talker

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One thing I don’t really like is that some players, like Tuck and Jason Pierre-Paul, are lashing out at fans for their negativity. Paul said, “If they gave up they ain’t real Giants fans. At the end of the day, we’ll never give up on ourselves.” Now, don’t get me wrong. I totally agree. One should root for their team through the good and the bad. I still have my Giants gear ready to go. When they do poorly, I grin and bear it (as evidenced by this post). However, when they play like crap, I’m going to point it out by using whatever means I have, whether it be social media, crying to my girlfriend, maybe playing Grand Theft Auto V a little more aggressively on Sunday afternoons (no amount of old ladies run down on the sidewalk will ever heal the pain, believe me)… or whatever else I find to help me vent the frustration. To get on fans for venting frustrations is crybaby shit. Again, I turn to Lisa for her pearls of wisdom:

“Support? Is that what you want? I’m sorry, you were wonderful in there! The way you handled that judge… ooh you are a smooth talker. You are… you are!”

I get that we should support the team, but are we just supposed to blindly support something that is clearly not working? Of course not! We as fans are basically Lisa throughout the first 85% of the movie. We want to help, but we can’t. All we can do is watch as Vinny is blowing the case completely. When we try to help, we get scoffed at or ignored. At some point, the Giants will have to start listening.

Up next, the G-Men will attempt to avoid a winless season by taking on the hated Philadelphia Eagles at home. It might be the best chance this team has to restore hope before we,  like Judge Chamberlain Haller, realize that Jerry Gallo is dead, and the season is over. Jerry Callo (C-A-L-L-O) needs to walk through that door and win the case in the next 90 minutes, or we’re all going to fan prison.

One final note… for those of you wondering why I didn’t use the famous “biological clock” quote to represent the fan sentiment for this season… We’ve won two Super Bowls in the last six years. Save that quote for the Patriots’ fans.

Martin Stezano

About Martin Stezano

Uruguayan born and American raised with a unique perspective on the domestic and international sports scenes. It will both tickle your funny bone and enlighten your mind. Love it or hate it...just read it.

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