Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Ladies and Gentlemen (You know who is who)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, there’s no fat man coming down the chimney to give you presents. First of all, there aren’t that many fat baseball players anymore. Secondly, Bobby Jenks and Prince Fielder probably wouldn’t come down a chimney unless there was pizza in the fireplace. Cecil Fielder might come down the chimney, but it would probably be to rob you, because he’s a poor sack of shit now. Anywho, it is finally fantasy baseball time!!!

That’s right friends! We’ve all been waiting 5 long months for this moment. Now, with only 1 month left until opening day, the greatest day of the year is nearly upon us! March 19th will be a glorious day, and not just because it is Dave’s birthday. In fact, that might actually take away from the greatness of the day. Actually, I vote that Dave go to some sort of government office and change his official birthday to the 18th, so as not to tarnish the real highlight of the day. Yep, that’s right… It’s fucking DRAFT DAY, BITCHES!!!

Beers will be consumed, picks will be made, Rothenberg will be mocked (probably by me) and by the end of that glorious day, we will all have a new family. 24 new brothers, cousins and friends. 24 new obsessions. 24 new heroes! Or, if you’re a terrible drafter like Marc, 24 new guys you’ll end up dropping for 24 other guys who will all get lucky and, in combination with an epic collapse by Steve’s team in the last 3 days of the finals, propel you to victory.

Keeping in line with what i was able to hilariously do in the beginning of last year’s fantasy season, I will again be attempting to blog about our shenanigans this year. Lack of league support and interest, as well as my own laziness, will probably lead to me quitting this blog eventually, but you’ll get at least a whole month of my wit and humor. Consider yourselves blessed.

Anyway, a little tradition I started last year is to introduce the league members to their new mortal enemies. Here is a breakdown of who is in our league. Due to the new monetary commitment required to join the league, we had 2 casualties. Pat, a league regular for all 4 years of our fantasy escapades, has dropped out, citing his own dwindling lack of interest in the last couple of seasons. Also, he lives in California, so fuck him. Our second casualty was Darryl, a good friend whose admitted lack of baseball knowledge kept him from committing $50 to the cause. Why pay for something you can never hope to win? Just because Rothenberg did it doesn’t mean everyone can. Here are the heroes who did decide to join:

Group 1: The Elders

1. Martin Stezano (Vagina Dentata)… What can i say about Martin that hasn’t already been said by Martin? The best damn fantasy baseball competitor to never win the big one, he is hoping to finally exorcise the demons of loserdom. He comes into this draft as a well oiled fantasy baseball machine, and he will crush anyone who gets in his way.

2. Marc (Vinegar Strokes)… Our reigning two-time (two-time) champion. he is best known as the man who once drafted Jarrod Saltalamacchia in the 6th round, yet he has somehow won the last 2 fantasy baseball seasons. What else can i say about this man other than that he’s got a target on his back. And a penis in his mouth. Looking forward to someone taking this classy champion out in 2011.

3. Steve (The Beaver Damns)… I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: the most respected draftologist in league history. Dr. Draft. If he had been in charge of the U.S. Military in the 60s and 70s, the Vietnam War would have ended in 6 months. That’s how good at drafting this guy is. Unfortunately, he is just as well known for somehow blowing it every year. In 2010, his stunning collapse in the last 3 days of the finals took him from champ to chump. Can he finally break the curse in 2011? Probably not.

4. Matt (The J. Cust Memorial Team)… This former league champion (2008) has spent so much energy preparing for this year’s fantasy baseball season that he didn’t even have time to come up with a clever new name for his team, opting instead to reuse last year’s name. Some would say this is lame… Can’t argue with that. He will, however, draft a solid team that will compete. Hopefully for us, they all get hurt and Matt loses.

Group 2: The Regulars

5. Tony (Jeffster)… Another former league champion (2007), Tony has been in every one of our baseball leagues. While not considered an elder (mostly because we refuse to for no good reason), Tony will no doubt compete this year. Perhaps he’ll finish under .500, sneak into the 6th spot of the playoffs and somehow barely beat all of his opponents in the finals like he did in his lucky victory in 2007. Fingers crossed, everyone!!

6. Mike (Nuke the Wilpons)… Every Professor X has his magneto. This is not a bald joke, but rather a joke about how terrible Mike’s drafting skills are. He is the polar opposite of Steve, aka Dr. Draft. He is Mike “Draft Poison” Rothenberg. If he ever wises up and lets his team get auto-drafted, he might do well. His passion certainly isn’t lacking, as he is one of the better competitors in our league. Unfortunately, passion alone can’t get you into the playoffs.

7. Dave (Hand Jobbers)… As usual, Dave’s team name involves some sort of sexual joke. Brings a smile to my face every time. Once ousted from our league due to a perceived lack of team checking (turns out he was checking it, his team just sucked), Dave fought his way back onto the baseball roster with a passion last season and even made the playoffs. He sure showed us. Perhaps this season he won’t draft Derrek Lee in the 5th round and i won’t have to mock him unmercifully.

Group 3: The Rookie Bitches

8. Kevin “Kevin!” (Codename duchess)… When you’re the cousin of a league elder, you get special privileges. In this case, you get to be made fun of by me. Hoping for big things from Kevin, mostly his potential to be the brunt of as many jokes from Home Alone as I can think of. In all seriousness, this man comes with a lot of hype and we’re glad to have him. Hopefully he doesn’t finish last like Steve’s last recommended competitor. Just don’t make your family disappear.

9. Brian (Harry Doyle Fan Club)… Not much is known about young Brian, other than he apparently loves Harry Doyle. Who doesn’t, right? I’ll be intrigued to see how his passion for the sport translates to fantasy success. Hopefully he’s terrible like Major League: Back to the Minors, because we really do need someone to finish last.

10. Jeff (First Hit First RBI)… Jeff has been in some of our other leagues (basketball and hockey mostly), but he is looking to graduate to the big time this year by joining baseball. I don’t really get his team name because it’s probably a marijuana or Dave Matthews band reference. If it turns out that this is actually a clever name of sorts, I’ll give him more credit. In the meantime, I look forward to beating him. Oh, and so does everyone else. Welcome to the big time.

There you have it, friends. Those are your league members. Over the next 6 or 7 months you’ll get to know them, and hopefully you’ll despise them as much as i already despise all of you.

Keep checking the blog for more updates in the coming weeks and months, and always remember: I’m Commissioner Jobu, and you’re not.

image courtesy of:

Martin Stezano

About Martin Stezano

Uruguayan born and American raised with a unique perspective on the domestic and international sports scenes. It will both tickle your funny bone and enlighten your mind. Love it or hate it...just read it.

One thought on “Fantasy Baseball: 2011

Comments are closed.