Before you guys get all offended with me, I am not wishing death on Brett Favre because I wish him erased from the face of the Earth. I don’t wish him harm because I dislike him, nor do I wish his family to be left without a father. I also wouldn’t wish the women he harasses and sends cock pictures to to be left without that. Nothing inside me would take any pleasure in the death of Brett Favre. I just think it’s the only way he will ever retire for real. He’s gonna have to be deep in the cold, cold ground before he hangs up his cleats. If that’s what needs to happen for him to finally go away forever, then, to quote the great Russian champion Ivan Drago, “If he dies… he dies.”

Yesterday afternoon, after watching Uruguay crush Paraguay 3-0 in the Copa América finals (great game, amazing win) I went on Yahoo Sports to check on what I had missed the last few hours while watching fútbol and celebrating with my family. To my chagrin, but sadly not really my surprise, there was another Brett Favre comeback rumor headline. Apparently, the Eagles want Favre to lace up the spikes, put away his cell phone and come back for one more shot at Super Bowl glory… as a backup. Their current backup QB is Kevin Kolb, who is far too good to be a backup QB in the NFL. Basically, the Eagles are wasting his value (what he would be worth in a trade) by stashing him behind Michael Vick. Because of Andy Reid’s previous relationship with Favre and the Green Bay Packers, they want him. I cannot tell you how angry this made me.

Granted, this is 100% rumor. On top of that, the Eagles haven’t even officially called Favre or made him any kind of offer. However, does Favre really need anything else to get him back on the field? Has there ever been another player in any sport less willing to just walk away and move on with his life? You could tell this guy you threw two touchdown passes with him in Madden NFL ’11 and he’d run to the closet to get his ben gay.

Also, for some reason, the Eagles players seem to want this guy too! Michael Vick tweeted when he heard the rumor that he would love to have Favre back him up because he would love “learning how to toy with defenses the way he did his whole career.” That tweet has since disappeared from Vick’s page, probably because Vick came to his sentences. Either way, Favre hasn’t toyed with anything since 2010 (I swear that’s not a penis picture joke), and he’s 41 years old. Last season he threw 19 interceptions and put up the worst passer rating of his twenty year career. He’s done. Finished. Kaput.

Dear Eagles, if you want Favre to teach Michael Vick something, hire him as a quarterbacks coach. Don’t take the chance that he’ll actually have to play for your team if and when Michael Vick gets injured. Someone take him out back and shoot him, or he will not ever go away… Actually, what am I saying?? If Vick gets hurt and Favre takes over, this could really crush their season! Sign him up Eagles. Sign him up for the next fifty years if you want. If he dies, carry him around like Weekend at Bernie’s for all I care. This league needs a Favre!

image courtesy of: SCOTT THRELKELD / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE