Its that time again! World Cup y’all! If you’re wondering what that is, it’s Also known as the only time that the US gives a crap about soccer. In case you can’t tell yet, I’m a little bit bitter about football/soccer when it comes to this country. It’s a great sport, and I don’t understand why the we’re not more vested into it. However, I’m not here to discuss that.
I’m here, instead, because a major injustice needs to be corrected. No, I’m not talking about Landon Donovan’s exclusion from the team. This one’s more personal. It’s an injustice committed directly against me! I want to know one thing. Where is my eye candy? Where is my dreamboat soccer player? Where the hell is my Carlos Bocanegra?
Seriously, the 2010 national team was full of sexiness. It could turn any heterosexual female into a hardcore soccer fan (until the end of the World Cup, of course). The 2014 team? Not so much; or should I say…not at all. OK, maybe I’m being a little dramatic. I mean sure, they are a bunch of good looking dudes. Unfortunately, “good looking” is not gonna do it for me like the dreamboats of 2010. I just need that one player that radiates sex appeal. The one with sculpted abs and fantastic hair. This team needs a David Beckham, a Christian Ronaldo, a Yoann Gourcuff or a Gerad Pique. Can’t you give a girl just one? I mean Brazil has a “Hulk!” Why can’t I get one of those?
So Who Comes Close?
Lets start with our Captain, and resident rapper, Clint Dempsey. Even though Snoop Dogg (or Snoop Lion, or whatever he goes by now) approves, I do not. Really? You took away Carlos Bocanegra and gave me this? No thanks.
Next, we have Kyle Beckerman. Really? With that hair? He looks like he should be playing hackie sack at a community college. Can I please have my baby Benny Feilhaber back?
How about Tim Howard? Oh, Tim. You came so close bringing your sexy back from the 2010 World Cup. But then you grew a scary beard. Even though its gone now, it can’t ever be unseen.
Finally, we have Graham Zusi, who probably comes the closest to what I’m looking for. That being said, no dreamy soccer player should wear a head band…Like ever. Can’t you control your hair? This Game of Thrones hair does not a sexbomb make. Cut it!
In conclusion, let’s put this simply:
2014: Meh, not so much.
Featured image courtesy of: Getty Images
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