Jobu reacts to Ryan Braun’s suspension.    

For those of you who didn’t hear, how’s the rock you live under? Those of us who live above ground found out yesterday that Milwaukee’s Ryan Braun finally got suspended for abusing performance enhancers. This one must have been especially nice for the MLB, who’s been chasing this particular white whale since it wriggled off the hook on a technicality in 2011. The best part is that Braun agreed to waive his appeal in exchange for a somewhat arbitrary 65 game suspension (the rest of the 2013 season), which means MLB must have had him over a barrel.

Keeping with his previous attitude, Braun handled his suspension with about as much class as a nursery school student (because they don’t learn much, not because little kids are classless… just never mind). I actually think he may have surpassed ARod as the athlete I dislike most. Anyway, let’s get on with this.

Remember when Braun first got suspended and he uttered this beauty of a line? “If I had done this intentionally, or unintentionally, I’d have been the first one to admit it. I truly believe this substance never entered my body.” He also trumpeted his innocence, and his new found status as a hero for other who have been falsely accused of wrongdoing. “We won because the truth was on my side. I was a victim of the process that completely broke down and failed as it was applied to me in this case.” He even flat out accused someone (MLB? the tester guy he eventually shamed?) of tainting his sample. (btw, thank you to Hardball Talk for these quotes).

So… I don’t get it… he started using steroids with Biogenesis after he triumphed over tyranny by proving himself righteous and true? After he became the self appointed beacon of hope for every player in MLB? After he became a martyr and got both the Power of Greyskull and the Eye of Thundara? Oh no, he probably just cheated, got off on a technicality and then decided to be a dick about it. Now isn’t that special? I mean seriously. Can you get that full of yourself from one skin-of-the-teeth vindication via a technicality? I don’t think even O.J. Simpson got that cocky. What a scum bag.

When the news dropped that he had agreed to this suspension, I was a little angry. It would seem that MLB cut him a deal, no? Why else would he get the rest of the season and not 50 or 100 games? It looks to me like MLB both knew they had him dead to rights, so they said listen Ryan, don’t appeal. Just take the rest of the season and we’re good. Seems a little crappy, no? Or maybe MLB didn’t want to fight for getting more than the 50 games a player is supposed to get for his first offense either. I don’t know how I feel about this at all, other than to say that I am so glad someone finally got him.

That being said, a graceful apology might have helped me not dislike Ryan Braun so much. Even ARod came clean (mostly, it seems) when the news of his early 2000s activities came out. Instead, Braun acted possibly worse than ever. Here’s the full quote from his “apology.”

“As I have acknowledged in the past, I am not perfect. I realize now that I have made some mistakes. I am willing to accept the consequences of those actions. This situation has taken a toll on me and my entire family, and it is has been a distraction to my teammates and the Brewers organization. I am very grateful for the support I have received from players, ownership and the fans in Milwaukee and around the country. Finally, I wish to apologize to anyone I may have disappointed – all of the baseball fans especially those in Milwaukee, the great Brewers organization, and my teammates. I am glad to have this matter behind me once and for all, and I cannot wait to get back to the game I love.”

Uh… Ryan? When did you ever say you aren’t perfect? all you ever said was how you were innocent, the truth had set you free and justice was finally served. Then you dragged everyone’s name through the mud, including the poor guy who administered the test and then didn’t ship it to the lab in time. Remember? When you did that? Basically every day for the last two years? No? Maybe I’m wrong? Nope, just checked. You’re a douche. Also, I’m so glad you now “realized” that you made mistakes and are willing to accept the consequences. How did you not realize this before? You mean “stopped lying about,” don’t you? Yeah I thought so.

He’s also very grateful for the support he got from fans and teammates by lying to everyone about his PED use. I’d like to see how long that support lasts now. He then complains about being put through this situation. I’m so sorry, Ryan. The time you got suspended for PEDs, then lied and got off on a technicality, has stressed you out? Why that just stinks! Finally, he apologizes not for what he actually did, but for the possibility that he may have disappointed some people through his actions. Isn’t that comparable to if Paula Dean had said “I’m sorry to any African-Americans who may have been offended by me using the N-word?” There’s isn’t anyone in Milwaukee, or all of baseball, who shouldn’t be disappointed in him. Just say you’re sorry for lying and cheating.

Finally, he closes by saying he’s glad this is now behind him and he can move on and come back next year. Sounds like a bit of wishful thinking, no? He might be the second biggest villain in baseball right now (I still can’t bring myself to rank him ahead of ARod). He lied, cheated and disrespected everyone. He touted his innocence and condemned others from his mountain top. I don’t think people will forget this any time soon. Brewer fans might welcome him back, but what choice do they have? The rest of baseball will probably never forgive him.

There is one good thing that might come out of this situation, and that’s that Braun has basically screwed everyone else on the list of players MLB intends to suspend. The reason Braun is the only name that came out is probably because he’s the only one who decided not to appeal. MLB policy is that names don’t come out until a suspension is ruled upon and the appeals process ends. Do we really think Braun’s the only one MLB sanctioned? The rest of the guys are probably cursing Braun right now because he didn’t fight. It’s going to make it a lot hard for them to defend themselves from, essentially, the same stack of evidence.

Basically, I hope ARod is next and he goes away for ever. If Braun’s awful admission and worse apology can help bring that about, then maybe he’s not so bad after all.

Featured image courtesy of: Getty Images